Did you know that most people are conflict adverse in life? The reason for this is because we are hardwired for peace and tranquility, not conflict.
Here is an interesting paradox that I've observed in life, however. The people who most often avoid conflict have the most conflict, yet the people who have learned how to peacefully and actively embrace conflict have the least of it.
Isn't that interesting?
Maybe we had parents or caregivers who were abusive or hot tempered. Maybe we grew up in a house where we didn't feel safe. Maybe we were bullied in school. Whatever the circumstances, it's easy to understand why so many of us have unconsciously believed that conflict is antithetical to peace.
Again, I've discovered that not only is conflict not an obstacle to peace, to truly become a peacemaker in life, we must learn how to actively (not passively) embrace conflict in a healthy way.
Now, I know what you may be thinking...isn't this just semantics? If I become someone who readily embraces conflict, doesn't that make me a warmonger? This is an important question.
Peace is one of my strongest guiding values in life. As a matter of fact, peace is mentioned in the very tagline of my coaching company's description (Free To Love Coaching Solutions LLC, Cultivating A World Of Peace & Abundance).
I am passionate about peace on an individual level, relational level, social level, national level, and also on a global level.
Peacemaking is something I spend a lot of time thinking about, cultivating in my own life, and helping my clients cultivate in their own lives.
Again, one of the most common misconceptions about peace or peacemaking is that we must avoid conflict. I've actually discovered that peacemakers and warmongers have a few similarities (with distinctions) that I would like to highlight here.
Peacemakers & Warmongers Both Embrace Conflict
Like warmongers, peacemakers do not shy away from conflict, they embrace it. The difference is, peace makers embrace conflict as an important opportunity to address deeper rooted issues that often go ignored, and war mongers embrace conflict as a way to force their perspective upon others or to maintain a status quo that is being threatened.
Those who are conflict adverse tend to support warmongers by default because their aversion to conscious confrontation tends to keep the destructive status quo going.
Peacemakers & Warmongers Are Both Advocates
In a conflict, peacemakers and warmongers both act as advocates. In a conflict, warmongers tend to feel like a victim of their opponent. This prompts a campaign by the warmonger to advocate their perspective to others in an attempt to gain support from others. Peacemakers, however, advocate from a place of empathy of all sides of a conflict. (Empathy doesn’t mean agreement, it means understanding the perspective of another from their perspective.)
Instead of advocating for one side only, peacemakers seek first to understand (through listening) to the perspectives of all sides of a conflict. Peacemakers then seek to advocate the opposing side’s perspective to its opposition and vice versa. Peacemakers do this because they know conflicts are fueled by misunderstanding and a breakdown in communication.
With that said, it's important to note that empathetic advocating for all sides in a conflict is not appropriate when abuse is happening. Specific abuse must be identified as such and appropriate boundaries must be set to ensure safety.
Peacemakers & Warmongers Both Seek Peace
Interestingly, the end goal of both warmongers and peacemakers is actually peace. Their approaches to peace, however, are vastly different. Warmongers seek to achieve peace through the defeat, destruction, or eradication of the other side using resistive external force. Warmongers see the world through the lens of “Good vs Evil” in which their side is always on the side of the ‘good’, and their opposition is always ‘evil’.
Peacemakers, however, do not see the world through the lenses of “Good vs Evil”. Peacemakers seek to achieve peace by understanding and addressing the root causes of the conflict knowing that conflict isn’t possible when the fuel source of conflict is cut off. Peacemakers seek to cut off the fuel source of the conflict, which is always unconsciousness at a root level.
So, is there a difficult conversation that you’ve been avoiding? A toxic pattern that you’ve tolerated in your life for far too long?
Is there a relationship that is unhealthy that you’ve known is holding you in a destructive cycle?
Is there a boundary that you’ve been afraid to set?
Is there a job that is out of alignment with your core passions and desires?
What perceived conflicts are you avoiding? Our healing, liberation, and peace lies just on the other side of the very conflict that we’ve been avoiding. This is your permission to embrace it.
Jamal Jivanjee
Certified Mastery Method Coach, Author
Free To Love Coaching Solutions LLC